An exercise in patience

You know those times when the aeroplane station is super busy and your plane does a few laps until the runway is clear? It’s called a holding pattern, I often feel like I’m stuck in one but it's ok. 

We all have dreams and life goals, those things we want to achieve, the things we work hard for, dream about, goals we beg, borrow and steal to reach. Like most people I’ve had to scrap quite a few life dreams and goals, there’s only a certain amount of head banging on brick walls we can accomodate. As old goals and dreams fall to the cutting room floor, new priorities arise, we rebirth ourselves with fresh ideas and aspirations. 

Life has a funny way of cutting us down a peg or two, throwing us curveballs and challenges. It can be hard, upsetting and frustrating, but when you step back for reflection, taking in the big picture of the span of an entire life, there’s nothing you can do but smile, it’s just life. So many things are out of our hands, and even the things we can influence, well let’s just say we sometimes make poor choices. And that’s ok, it’s also part of being human. 

Every now and then I have a spell of feeling like a bit of a loser, I’m sure it’s a universal feeling. I convince myself that many of the life choices I’ve made have ended me here, just surviving financially, moving from one rental to another, never getting enough ahead to reach that goal, as a result I’m always starting from scratch. It also doesn’t help that many of my mates have ‘made it’. Along the way they’ve bought houses when houses were affordable, built castles and heart warming permanent homes for their families. I know, I’m clearly a bit jealous, I constantly tell myself to accept what is, and that our time will come. It’s all about changing our approach of which we have in recent times, and the future looks bright. I hope. 

I drove my youngest daughter to school this morning and we lamented the continuation of winter weather, how depressing this winter has felt. We started talking about how rad summer will be with visits to the pool, swimming in the lake and eating outside in the warmth of the long days not to mention the variety and array of summer crops in the backyard. I happened to quickly look over at her and amazed at her youthful pretty face, that cute smile and rosy round cheeks just like her dad. I didn’t say anything but had one of those momentary realisations that longing for something like wanting time to pass for us to get to summer was not such a good thing. By summer she will have finished grade 3 and she’ll be that little bit older. That innocence or hers will disappear a little more along with that beautiful world view she has. I changed my mind, I no longer wish for winter weather to hurry up and disappear, I don’t wish for anything but to be in this moment for as long as possible. To appreciate what I have right now even though I can’t stop time itself. 

We’re really lucky in our world, our bubble where even though we think we’re going without, we can in fact be living very beautiful lives. Sure we have to wait for things to happen, but learning to be patient is a good thing. You’d think I’d have it sorted by now, but I’m still working on being more patient and appreciative of what I have. 

This time of year is always one for reflection for me. Coming out of the winter hibernation, feeling like I’m just hanging on, a little depressed, a little dissatisfied, but really I have lots of things to celebrate. My family, love, and possibilities. So many things that frustrate me in life are actually up to me to change. I have immense influence over many facets of my life. I can’t blame anyone else for things that I have the power to change. And this time of the year is when I assess those things and swing into action, spurred on by the positive re-birth vibes of spring. 

A few years ago I established the most amazing vegetable garden in a backyard I was renting, and every house since I’ve been trying to replicate that on some level. Our new home doesn’t have scope for something on that scale so I’m working on some future project at a mates spare block of land. I’m also having some fun volunteering at the skate park community garden in the town I live in. I’ve been weeding and prepping small beds for crops, and my first direct seeding crop has germinated, metaphorically giving me hope for a bright garden future. I don’t own it, but I can make change on a really small level that I’m sure will have some sort of positive impact somehow. In any case, I just love to grow food, that doesn’t cost me much other then a sweaty tee shirt and dirty fingernails. And I appreciate that for now. My other big dreams will have to wait a little bit longer.

Germinated